Wednesday 9 December 2009

I’d happily vaccinate all of your kids for a fiver, says everyone


Plans to vaccinate healthy children under the age of five against swine flu are in disarray after doctors decided a deal which would give them £5.25 for every dose administered simply wasn’t worth it.

Doctors groups claim the proposals would leave many GPs out of pocket, because meddlesome parents tend to insist on asking lots of time consuming questions about the chemicals being injected into their children’s bodies.

A British Medical Association spokesperson told us, “There are several other highly lucrative activities a doctor could be doing rather than spending time reassuring annoying parents with no medical training whatsoever why their child should be vaccinated against swine flu.”

“We suggested to the Government that we could charge parents a pound for every question they ask in order to cover our cash shortfall, maybe two pounds for the really stupid ones.”

“But for some reason this was considered unreasonable.”

“I’ll tell you what is unreasonable, being asked to vaccinate millions of children in such a short period of time that we might not be able to see all our other patients within 48 hours and therefore lose a further lucrative bonus payment.”

“Now THAT is unreasonable. How can they expect us doctors to do a lot more work just because there are a lot more sick people, it doesn’t make sense.”

“I mean, you don’t ask firemen to do more work just because there are more fires, do you?”

Sympathy

One parent, Jane Riley, sympathised with the doctors predicament, “To be fair, I have to spend about ninety minutes stacking beans at Asda to earn £5.25.”

“So I know how hard it can be to finish a task that forms a fundamental part of your job just because customers keep asking stupid questions like ‘where are the beans’, or ‘where is the bread’, or ‘where are the eggs’.”

“It would be so much easier if customers simply didn’t ask any questions about anything, ever.”

“If that was the case, then the beans would be much neater, and the doctors would be much, much richer.  It’s win-win.”

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