Tuesday 8 December 2009

ITV forced to apologise for cruelty to viewing public


Broadcaster ITV has been forced to apologise to the viewing public after it showed a series of mind-numbingly tedious programmes that have been classified as cruel by watchdogs.

The RSPCPT, the Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to People with Televisions, lodged a formal complaint after the broadcaster exposed the viewing public to two hours of teeth-achingly shite television every day for three weeks.

ITV has accepted its role in the cruelty, and has apologised unreservedly for any distress “I’m a celebrity get me out of here” may have caused.

The official statement read, “ITV would like to formally apologise to any viewers exposed to our evening programming over the past three weeks.”

“We now recognise that being forced to watch two hours of tawdry slappers, vain television actors and a sixty year old women with insufficient breast support is not only cruel, but heartless.”

“We would also like to apologise to our contestants for making each of them appear exceedingly tiresome for the entire duration of the show.”

Unacceptable

Psychologists have claimed that the apology doesn’t go far enough, with a promise never to torture the viewers ever again not yet forthcoming.

“There’s absolutely no point in apologising for exposing the nation to weeks of witless drivel, if you’re only going to do it all again in the next series.” said Dr James Herrin.

“If saying sorry for something and then simply doing it again was acceptable, then our prisons would be full of repeat offenders, wouldn’t they.  Oh.”

“The cruelty displayed by ITV was heinous, and it is no surprise that the CIA has ordered a thousand copies of the series DVD.  I genuinely fear for the detainees at Guantanamo Bay.”

ITV has launched a support line for those directly affected by the cruelty, as service where someone will listen to you whine for £4.99 a minute.

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