November 2009

Shoplifting significantly cheaper than paying, finds study

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Shoplifting has surged to record levels in the UK, fuelled by the recession and the dawning realisation that it is significantly cheaper than paying for everything, according to a study.

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X Factor uproar as Simon Cowell votes for Simon Cowell

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Viewers of Simon Cowell promotion vehicle, the X Factor, are in uproar after Simon Cowell made a decision for the benefit of Simon Cowell during a television show all about Simon Cowell.

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Being an utter bastard to your kids is good for them

Children regularly exposed to “tough love” principles, by parents who behave like utter bastards, are more successful in life, according to a study by think tank Demos.

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Schools to tell depressed virgins exactly what they are missing

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Parents’ right to pull their children out of sex education classes in England will end once the pupils turn 15, ensuring embarrassed teenagers will be forced to listen to Darren tell everyone about the time he got his ‘whole hand up there’.

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U2 build new Berlin wall as a symbol of their ability to do so

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As part of the anniversary of the Berlin wall coming down, U2 built a two metre hight wall around the Brandenburg gate in order to draw attention to the fact that they can easily do stuff like that.

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UK set to celebrate night of home grown terrorism

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The UK is preparing to celebrate an evening of great British terrorism by burning effigies of Guy Fawkes – the country’s most famous terrorist – on bonfires the length and breadth of the country.

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Catholic church retaliates for crucifix ban by outlawing Italian paraphernalia

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In response to an EU ruling banning crosses from Italy’s schools, the Catholic church has taken steps to ban all Italian influences from its teachings and practises.

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Boris Johnson to tackle crime as alter-ego ‘The Blond Buffoon’

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London mayor Boris Johnson  – who yesterday began his crime-fighting career by rescuing a woman who was being attacked by an armed group of young girls – has insisted it was the work of super-hero The Blond Buffoon. The Blond Buffoon, who bears a striking resemblance to the Mayor wearing a mask, saved a young [...]

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Scots implement £1000 train fare to keep out the Cornish

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The people of Scotland yesterday launched a new campaign to keep Cornish people out of their country by ensuring tickets to visit their country by train will cost over £1000.

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Kai Rooney berates midwife for failing to add extra womb-time

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Wayne and Colleen Rooney celebrated the birth of their son Kai by watching him viciously berate a midwife for failing to add on enough extra time for him to fully enjoy the womb.

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