November 2009

Water on Moon already ‘better than in Spanish hotels’

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NASA’s experiment last month which discovered water on the Moon has shown it is already of a better quality than you’d get from a tap in any Spanish hotel, US scientists have announced.

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Risk-taking bankers to gamble for one last enormous bonus

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The Government has said bankers who take “reckless” risks with investments could be stripped of future bonuses, ensuring the next risk they take will be quite monumental in the hope of one last lucrative pay-off.

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No-win no-fee legal firms overwhelmed by screaming toddlers

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The nation’s no-win no-fee legal profession has been swamped by enquiries from screaming toddlers after it was agreed that compensation was due to a toddler attacked by another toddler.

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Nobody to miss an Ashes humiliation ever again

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England’s humiliating Ashes Test capitulations could return to free-to-air television from 2016 if a review panel’s recommendations announced on Friday are adopted.

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I’m a celebrity men tell Katie Price ‘We’re all definitely gay’

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Katie Price’s alter ego Jordan is making her way to a second appearance of I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, prompting every male contestant to say they are “definitely, definitely gay” in the hope of avoiding the clutches of Jordan’s cavernous vagina.

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3,000 people complain to Ofcom about themselves

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Ofcom has reported that it received 3,000 complaints from the public, about the public, following last week’s X-Factor result.

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Screaming sex couple ‘not fooling anyone’

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A woman who was banned from screaming like a banshee during sex has lost an appeal against her conviction after a judge told the couple they weren’t fooling anyone.

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£45m lottery couple already despised by absolutely everyone

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A married couple from south Wales, who won a £45.5million share of the Euromillions lottery jackpot, have spoken of their success in really getting on the tits of everyone in the country in just a few days.

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Gordon Brown challenges mother to televised spelling bee

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The Prime Minister has challenged the grieving mother of a soldier killed in Afghanistan to a US-style televised spelling bee in response to criticism he received after spelling her name incorrectly in a letter of condolence.

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New Call of Duty ‘unrealistic’, say under-equipped Armed Forces

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The highly anticipated release of console game ‘Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2′ has met with criticism from Army officials for its unrealistic portrayal of life as a well-equipped British soldier.

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