November 2009

I didn’t want the job anyway, Blair tells EU

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As EU leaders chose the Belgian Prime Minister, Herman van Rompuy, as the new face of limitless European bureaucracy, Tony Blair publicly announced that he didn’t want the job anyway, and anyone says he did is lying.

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Survey shows councils wasting significantly less than everyone thought

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Needless bureaucracy is costing councils in England a mere £4.5bn a year – significantly less than anyone who has ever dealt with their local council, previously thought.

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France celebrates becoming even more detestable

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France has increased its gap at the bottom of the global ‘Loathsome Nations League’ after its football team cheated the loveable Irish out of a place at next year’s World Cup finals in South Africa.

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North west train stations to be brought into 1970s

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The Transport secretary Lord Adonis has announced a £50m programme to bring the most dilapidated train stations in the North West up to 1970s standards.

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Police to be inundated with ‘my mate is a paedo’ Bebo requests

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A social networking site Bebo announced plans to allow its users to report suspicious users to the authorities with the click of a button, police braced themselves for the inevitable onslaught of pointless investigations into bored teenagers.

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Large Hadron Collider to ensure Gordon Brown retires undefeated

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As the Large Hadron Collider prepares to once again threaten your very existence, Gordon Brown is celebrating the fact that he will be instantly vaporised without losing an election.

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T-Mobile customers to be sold everything, everywhere by everyone

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Customers of mobile phone company T-Mobile should expect calls any day now from every single company looking to sell to the type of person who would sign a contract with T-Mobile.

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Train firms to shaft customers much more gently next year

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the Association of Train Operating Companies (Atoc) has said that train customers will only receive a gentle shafting when next year’s prices come into effect.

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Binge drink mother sentenced to brief babysitter search

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A mother who abandoned her four young children to go on a 24-hour drink and drug binge has been sentenced to think about getting a babysitter next time.A mother who abandoned her four young children to go on a 24-hour drink and drug binge has been sentenced to think about getting a babysitter next time.

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Brown to apologise to all children forced to grow up in the UK

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Gordon Brown is planning an apology to those children left to be raised in the UK instead of being offered the chance of living in a far nicer country, somewhere sunny.

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