Friday 27 November 2009

Sick horses demand rodent equality in experimental medical trials


Representatives of the horses alliance have today petitioned scientists for its members to be allowed into the latest medical trials, citing clear bias in favour of rodents in experimental medicine to date.

Complaints among the animal kingdom have reached a crescendo regarding the preferential treatment given to mice, rats and other rodents by the planet’s health professionals.

“These mice are benefiting from the finest medical minds the world has to offer, yet my members are dying out from entirely treatable conditions.” said a Horse alliance spokesperson.

“We’ve heard the stories – ‘This mouse has erectile dysfunction?  Sure, we’ve got something we can try for that.’ they’ll say.”

“This mouse has face cancer?  What a coincidence, these scientists just happen tp have a cutting edge experimental technique for just that affliction.”

“But when it comes to us horses?  Hell, all we need to suffer from is a sprained ankle and its off to the glue factory.  We are sick of it.”

“It’s simply not fair.  We demand equality in the animal kingdom – this is worse than racism, it’s species-ism.”

Cute

Scientists have been quick to respond to accusations of favouritism by explaining that the mice are just so darned cute.

“I can barely look at this little albino mouse that has been deliberately bred with coronary heart disease, without wanting to give him this experimental drug that we’ve invested millions in.”

“And his morbidly obese sister that we’ve been force feeding? We’ve got just the drug for her to try.”

“If we can just stop the anal leakages she’ll be back to normal size in no time.”

A mouse spokesperson told reporters, “Those horses can fuck off, this is a sweet gig, plus I’ve got a facial with a brand anti-ageing cream at 2:30.”

“If that goes well I’ve been told I’ll be getting a go on some more of those new healthy cigarettes, they really are so very moreish.”

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