Tuesday 24 November 2009

Coma man already bored witless by daytime television


A Belgian man who doctors thought was in a coma for 23 years but was conscious all along, has explained he is already bored witless by the daytime television he is now forced to watch.

Medical staff believed Rom Houben had sunk irretrievably into a coma after he was injured in a car crash in 1983, but new medical tests confirmed he had actually been awake and aware of all the witless chattering going on around him.

Speaking through a specially designed computer, Mr Houben said, “For 23 years I prayed for something other than my own imagination to keep my attention.”

“But after four weeks of Jeremy Kyle and some show about crap found in your attic, I am longing for the sweet release afforded me by the inside of my eyelids and my imaginary island in the south pacific.”

“I caught a re-run of an episode of Cheers, and that was good, but that fucking nurse told me Sam and Diane never get together so what’s the fucking point of it all, eh?”

“Every day I would dream about what magnificent achievements mankind was accomplishing beyond these four walls – what a waste of time that was.”

“Honestly, I’m not entirely sure what has happened to humanity in the last couple of decades, but it is really, really awful.”

Television

Doctors in Liege, where he is being treated, took special pride in giving him a large new television with a subscription to Sky HD to help pass the hours he had previously spent creating the largest mental shopping list known to man.

“The look in his eyes when we turn on the television each morning is what makes us do this job, the excitement, the joy, it is a beautiful thing.” said one of his nurses.

Mr Houben concluded, “It’s not excitement, it’s terror.  Sheer unadulterated terror at what my re-awoken senses are to be brutalised by today.”

“Seriously, I’m having nightmares about Jeremy Kyle accusing me of faking it all these year.  Please, either turn off the television or kill me now, please.”


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