Monday 16 November 2009

Brown to apologise to all children forced to grow up in the UK


Gordon Brown is planning an apology to those children left to be raised in the UK instead of being offered the chance of living in a far nicer country, somewhere sunny.

Under the Child Migrants Programme – which ended just 40 years ago – many children were rejected and left to face a life of dreary weather, miserable citizens and truly terrible national sports teams.

59 year old Gerry Owen is one of the unfortunate children of the fifties left behind in the UK, and he told us, “I was born in 1950, and in 1959 my application to go ‘absolutely anywhere else at all’ was rejected out of hand.”

“Since then, I’ve been subjected to a miserable existence on these Isles, consisting mainly of drizzling grey monotony interspersed with abject disappointment after stunningly predictable abject disappointment.”

“It’s all the Government’s fault, and I still blame them for not sending me somewhere much, much nicer all those years ago.”

“The irony is, I’m a borderline alcoholic who genuinely loves cricket and utterly despises football, I’d have made a brilliant Australian.”

Apology

The Prime Minister is planning to formally apologise to the lost generation of approximately 20 million post-war children who have been forced to endure a life in modern Britain instead of perpetual summers, surfing and barbecues.

“We can only apologise for the mistakes of the past,” said Brown.

“I realise that due to these past human rights infringements, there are literally millions of Britons who have absolutely no idea that a dip in the sea shouldn’t always be at the risk of rapid onset hypothermia.”

“Or that a sickly pallor reminiscent of a Chernobyl victim isn’t actually a pre-existing genetic disposition, but simply a product of being left behind to grow up in Huddersfield.”

“Still, I’m sure they’ll feel much better once I’ve said sorry in this nice open letter I’ve spent the morning scribbling.”

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