Viewers of Simon Cowell promotion vehicle, the X Factor, are in uproar after Simon Cowell made a decision for the benefit of Simon Cowell during a television show all about Simon Cowell.
As Jedward – the talentless duo now confirmed as minions of Satan himself – were finally voted into the bottom two, Cowell had the option of removing them from the show but instead decided to ensure everyone everywhere is talking about Simon Cowell.
After previously claiming that he would leave the country if Jedward won the entire competition, Cowell has decided it would be better to stay in the UK and be the centre of everyone’s attention, all of the time.
Cowell told the disappointed audience, “People need to realise that this show isn’t about moderately talented people who’ve got some indefinable quality we call the X Factor.”
“It’s about doing whatever is necessary to ensure I remain in the public eye whilst you line my pockets using premium phone lines to try and piss me off, all after watching acts I own promote their latest records.”
“The sooner everyone realises that, the sooner your blood pressure will return to normal and that apoplectic rage coursing through you veins will begin to subside.”
By voting for Simon Cowell, Cowell ensured that actual singer 18 year-old Lucie Jones was removed from the show in floods of tears.
Loser Lucie said, “I’m absolutely gutted, obviously, but I should have realised something like this would happen on a show run by a fucking shitbag like Simon Cowell.”