Thursday 5 November 2009 By Jeff Nicols

Catholic church retaliates for crucifix ban by outlawing Italian paraphernalia


In response to an EU ruling banning crosses from Italy’s schools, the Catholic church has taken steps to ban all Italian influences from its teachings and practises.

The European Court of Human rights has ruled that images and models of a man being tortured to death in a horrific manner have no place in classrooms full of young Italian children.

Some parents in the largely Catholic country have called the decision shameful, claiming that only the fear of being violently nailed to a plank of wood themselves makes their children pay attention in Geography.

Vatican spokesperson Rev Federico Lombardi, “If that’s how they want it, then the Catholic Church now exercises its right not to believe in an Italian state.”

“As far as we’re concerned Vatican City is now a small island in the middle of the Mediterranean.  A bit like Ibiza, but with fewer drug-addled party goers and more God-addled church goers.”

Ban

It is thought a ban on Italian influences will not be too difficult for the Catholic church, which already bans murder and adultery, two popular pastimes under the current Silvio Berlusconi regime.

The Vatican has also taken steps to distance itself from several typically Italian things such as olive oil, pasta and fascism.

The move comes just weeks after the church completed the religious transfer coup of the decade by securing the souls of several thousand disenfranchised Anglicans with promises of life ever-lasting.

Recent Catholic convert Muriel Judge, 57 told us, “I didn’t like having women vicars in the Anglican Church, so Catholic priests seemed the next best alternative, at least the ones who can keep their hands of the alter boys did, anyway.”

“But at mass this morning Father Seamus told us that Pizza is the work of the devil, and that my morning Cappuccino is actually the ejaculated seed of Satan himself, which put me off a bit.”

“I feel like I’ve been mis-sold my religion to be honest.  I knew I should have looked at deitysupermarket.com.”

The Pontiff formerly known as Ratzinger weighed into the controversy by insisting that Italy was just a passing phase, and everyone will forget about it soon enough.

“Look, if it’s arrogance you want, try the French.  If you want to be lecherous, try the Greeks.  There really is no reason for any Catholic to do anything Italian ever again.”

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