October 2009

MPs to avoid opening any letters posted in London

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The nation’s MPs are today looking for reasons not to open their post after Sir Thomas Legg wrote to many of them following his review their expenses for the last five years.

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Gordon Brown to sell everything you own

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Gordon Brown is to announce the sale of £16bn-worth of things you own in a bid to shore up public finances.

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Nice man wins Nobel prize for meeting job description

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US President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for being an all-round nice guy, and pretty much adhering to his job description. There were a record 205 nominations for this year’s peace prize. Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai and Chinese dissident Hu Jia had been among the favourites who do not [...]

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NASA set to lose no-claims bonus after moon collision

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NASA is set lose its no-claims bonus after deliberately crashing two unmanned spacecraft into the Moon in a bid to detect the presence of something other than grey dust.

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Conservatives set to announce drastic cuts in honesty

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David Cameron has announced at the Conservative conference that there needs to be a significant cut in honesty if the Tories are to win the next general election.

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France to build monuments in honour of pirate victory

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France has announced plans to build a series of national monuments in honour of its greatest military victory, the defeat of eight Somalian pirates.

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Convertibles ‘bad for hearing abuse from other motorists’

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Driving a convertible car can seriously damage your ears, ensuring the majority of creative insults received from other road used may go completely unheard, experts have warned.

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Peeping toms to earn money while they masturbate

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Peeping toms could earn cash by watching people on commercial CCTV cameras from their own home, in a scheme planned to begin next month.

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FA tells England fans, Internet can do more than porn, honest

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The Football Association is to spend this week educating England fans on uses of computers that do not involve watching eastern European teenage girls debase themselves in poorly lit hotel rooms.

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Earthquakes accused of institutional racism

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As the death toll from the Samoan earthquake and subsequent tsunami rose to 170, earthquakes everywhere were accused of racial discrimination.

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