Friday 16 October 2009

Footballing dolphins displaying signs of organised hooliganism


Dolphin hooligans

A marine survey team off the north Wales coast that discovered football-playing dolphins, say that levels of post-match hooliganism suggest the dolphins are much more organised than first thought.

The ‘football’ matches are played with jellyfish near the surface of the water, but now rarely get to full time before fans of opposing sides descend into violent confrontation.

“We thought dolphins were limited to making dying kids smile for a bit, but it seems that they can organise a blood thirsty mob with incredible effectiveness,” said the lead scientist.

“One dolphin appeared to complain about the fitness of the dolphin referee, claiming he couldn’t swim fast enough to keep with the action, well, all hell broke loose, let me tell you.

“The were crabs and starfish thrown, and one poor dolphin had what looks like a bucket full of rotten algae forced into his gullet.

“The two groups were clicking to each other to the tune of Guantanamera, then they charged each other.  I swear that for the briefest moment I’m sure I saw one carrying a knife.

“If I didn’t know better I’d say both groups of dolphins were utterly shit-faced.”

The discovery has prompted scientists to claim that dolphins are actually more human-like than we’d previously believed.

“They’re now just the ability to steal a car away from being the intellectual equivalent of this year’s GCSE graduates.”

A further group of dolphins have been observed playing an altogether more violent game where they can actually use their fins to hold the jellyfish and only pass backwards.

“They seem the swim into each other at alarming speed, with the pain inflicted on the other dolphin considered ‘good’.”

“But once the whistle blows they seem to get on fine, almost the exact opposite of the footballing dolphins.

“We could learn a lot from this group I think.”

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