Thursday 15 October 2009

Derek Acorah to channel Michael Jackson for millions of idiots


Medium Derek Acorah today announced a deal with Sky television where he will pretend to speak to dead Michael Jackson in order to entertain literally millions of gullible idiots.

The seance, which can only take place once the necessary spiritual, ghost-friendly conditions – the payment of tens of thousands of pounds and a prime time television slot – are met.

“Even the spirit world realises people have to put food on the table,” said a Sky spokesperson,  “So once Derek secured this lucrative contract, the spirits will be much more amenable.”

Chat

Acorah himself has said he expects Jackson to be very willing to speak to him, despite not knowing him from Adam whilst he was alive.

“Yes, he was unwilling to be interviewed by the most famous television personalities whilst alive,” said Acorah.

“But, I am totally confident that he will furnish me with a number of vague facts about himself from the public domain, before giving me some completely unverifiable opinions of his own.”

Fake

Critics of Acorah have asked why he chooses to focus his ‘gift’ on the famous dead, when there are significant numbers of other dead people it would be more useful to contact.

“Why doesn’t he contact murder victims?  All those talkative dead people could help solve loads of crimes.” asked leading sceptic Dave Sharpe.

“Plus I’m pretty sure he’s a racist, I mean, when was the last time he channelled a foreigner, eh? Why is it always articulate English-speaking individuals?”

However, its clear that there are vast numbers of complete fucking idiots who will tune in to watch a charlatan lie to them through the television.

One idiot fan said, “This so great, I worry about Michael every day, and I’m really hoping I don’t cry whilst hearing Derek give some vague non-specific information about how he’s feeling right now.”

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