Tuesday 6 October 2009

FA tells England fans, Internet can do more than porn, honest


The Football Association is to spend this week educating England fans on uses of computers that do not involve watching eastern European teenage girls debase themselves in poorly lit hotel rooms.

The FA have confirmed that this weekend’s fixture against the Ukraine will be screened solely on the Internet, all because everyone realised just how utterly shite Setanta Sports were.

However, the FA have insisted that fans should not be alarmed at the innovation, insisting that the Internet is not just a tool for distributing free filth to the nation’s male population.

Plan

“The plan is to use a network of hosted servers across a high bandwidth T1 Internet connection to serve real time encrypted video to all subscribers.” said the chief technical officer before the press secretary jumped in.

“Listen, imagine it was a football match between your two favourite porn sites, you’ll watch it a bit like that.” explained the press secretary to a room full of collective ‘Oooh’s.

The plan has left many hardcore fans uncertain of their access to the match and subsequent highlights, particularly in technological backwaters like the the North.

“The computer?  Surely that’s just a window to the exotic world of free filth?” said one fan we spoke to.

“I’ve never sat in front of my laptop for more than six and half minutes at a time – do they work that long?”

Warning

Behaviourists have warned that forcing football fans to use the Internet to watch the match risks several unexpected side-effects.

“I imagine sitting with an open laptop will cause a mass Pavlovian response, with millions of fans sat watching the match with tumescent erections and well-greased palms.”

“There could be some very excitable fans out there.”

A spokesperson for Kentaro, the organisation hosting the match told us, “It’s already been a great success, with many subscriptions from fans wanting to watch the game.”

“I can watch the orders come in live, and just now we had another order from a…. Mr T Walcott of North London.”

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