The nation descended into chaos today as it was revealed that as many as 400 pensioners die within hours of reading their Daily Mail – every single day.
The shocking revelation came to light when the Health Department published their annual mortality statistics in conjunction with a print media data release showing how many over 60s read the Daily Mail on a regularly basis.
Newsagents across Britain are reported to be in shock at the news, with many retail outlets bracing themselves for the anticipated drop in sales of hair nets and haemorrhoid creams which usually accompany a Daily Mail purchase.
A Health Department spokesman said, “This was bound to happen – for years we have seen reports of galloping dementia among Daily Mail readers; mass deaths is just a logical progression.”
Critics have long warned of the dangers inherent in reading the Mail.
Jacky Felcher, spokesperson for the anti-news campaign group GABS, announced that her organisation had been receiving reports of problems for some time.
“One woman actually watched helplessly as her husband choked on his croissant while reading the Melanie Phillips column at breakfast. It was horrific.”
Despite medical reports showing that not one of the deaths are directly due to actually reading the Daily Mail, the headlines are still appearing as if the facts are some how irrelevant, ensuring a significant public backlash.
“I’ll never read it again,” sobbed one woman, who witnessed her grand-mother collapse with chest pain after running to catch a bus, just three short hours after glancing at the Mail’s front page.
Others have been fiercely critical of the Mail’s publishers.
“They just want to make money from a gullible public”, said one homeopath, who we spoke to us from his Bentley en route to his clinic for people with hypochondrias.
“They spin implausible and inaccurate fairy tales for their customers’ amusement while charging them exorbitant fees. It’s absolutely despicable.”
“They’ll say anything is true just to flog their useless products.” he concluded.