October 2009

All parents to spend weekend assuming you are a paedophile

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Parents accompanying their young children on Trick or Treat evenings this Halloween will only be doing so because they assume you are a filthy paedophile, a survey suggests today.

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Footballer Marlon King jailed for failing to hire a better lawyer

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Footballer Marlon King has been jailed for 18 months for failing to employ the services of a much better lawyer – and has been sacked by Premier League club Wigan Athletic as a result.

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Tim Henman admits past use of Buttercup Syrup

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Following Andre Agassi’s admission of his past use of Crystal Meth, Britain’s Tim Henman has admitted that during his playing days he once used Buttercup syrup.

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Gordon Ramsay undergoes further face-stretching procedure

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Following the successful removal of two chin wrinkles, celebrity profanity distributor Gordon Ramsay has undergone a revolutionary face-stretching plastic surgery technique in order to rid his face of its remaining trademark wrinkles.

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Prince Philip excels in final warm-up gig before national tour

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Prince Philip last night delivered the final warm-up performance of his new show “I don’t know, it just comes out”, before beginning his latest tour of the world’s top comedy venues.

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AA Gill now wondering what a killing spree might feel like

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AA Gill last night confessed to wondering what it might be like to go on a ‘bit of a rampaging killing spree’ after developing the taste for blood whilst shooting a baboon on Safari in Tanzania.

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Dining out increasingly popular among gluttonous bastards

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The growth of all-you-can-eat restaurants has seen a sharp increase in the number of disgustingly obese people who are willing to waddle their way to a public dining table. Taybarns restaurant chain have reported record growth of their ‘all-you-can-eat for £5.99′ business model highlighting the rising popularity of eating until you vomit out of your [...]

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Women encouraged to marry old and stupid men

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Research has shown that men should marry women at least five years younger, and not quite as stupid as themselves to ensure a less than miserable home life.

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Ferguson criticises referee for unwarranted consistency

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Sir Alex Ferguson last night launched a vociferous attack on referee Andre Marriner for dealing with two major incidents with unprecedented levels of consistency. Marriner booked both Jamie Carragher and and Nemanja Vidic for fouls on centre-forwards who might have had a clean run at goal during yesterday’s north-west derby at Anfield. “That was the [...]

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7 year-olds encouraged to consider careers in shelf-stacking

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Children as young as 7 are to be offered careers guidance under a new government scheme in a move to stop the nation’s youngsters getting a bit ahead of themselves. With falling standards ensuring that most school leavers have nothing more than a tentative grasp on the skills required for career advancement, setting expectations early [...]

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