September 2009

TV’s James Martin sorry for leaving cycling witnesses

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TV chef James Martin has apologised to car enthusiasts for leaving viable witnesses after forcing a group of cyclists into a hedge as he test drove a sports car. Martin is said to have caused “sheer terror” amongst the cyclists as he herded them into the hedge whilst speeding in his latest wankmobile. However, he [...]

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Portsmouth to be released early from Premiership on compassionate grounds

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Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.

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Kanye West interruptions reach epidemic levels

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After Rap star Kanye West interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech at the MTV Video awards with a dramatic outburst, further reports suggest West interruptions have reached epidemic proportions.

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Bomb plot trio to inherit 70 year-old virgins

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Three men who plotted to blow up liquid bombs on flights from the UK to North America have been jailed for life, leaving their heavenly reward of 72 virgins to age gracefully in their absence.

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NHS premium phone lines ‘barely arousing’ say men

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The use of premium phone rates for people contacting the NHS in England is to be banned, following surveys in which men claimed they were barely arousing.

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Americans protest for right to make insurance companies richer

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Thousands of protesting Republicans have reiterated that they want all life and death medical decisions made by insurance adjusters, not fiscally irresponsible doctors.

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Women failing to realise men rarely look below their chest

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Nearly four in 10 women have failed to realise that men barely notice what they wear below the chest and continue to buy shoes knowing they do not fit, a poll of 2,000 women reveals. 80% of women admitted to suffering foot problems due to their foot wear in an effort to look sexy, despite [...]

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FIFA to punish Chelsea until Chelsea decide not to be punished

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FIFA have announced a ban on Chelsea registering new players which will last for two transfer windows, or until Chelsea decide they want to to sign a new player, whichever comes sooner.

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Surprise as cost-cutting NHS consultants propose to cut costs

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The government says it has rejected advice from the cost cutting management consultants it hired after they made recommendations to actually cut NHS costs over the next five years.

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Afghan opium farmers adopt OPEC pricing strategies

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Poppy cultivation and opium production in Afghanistan have decreased sharply pushing prices upwards and forcing junkies to steal even more of our televisions, according to a United Nations report.

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