September 2009

It’s just a toy for Christ’s sake, everyone tells James May

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A two-storey Lego house built by Top Gear’s James May and 1,000 volunteers is no more after the Top Gear presenter was reminded that it was just a fucking toy.

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China agrees to slow down the rate at which it kills us all

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China has promised to slow the exponential rise in its CO2 emissions, ensuring the eventual spluttering death of the planet will take a few years longer than environmentalists currently expect.

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Renault to postpone further F1 race fixing until 2012 season

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Renault Formula One have agreed not to try and fix any races for two-years following an FIA hearing on their role in fixing last year’s Singapore Grand Prix.

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CBI tells students to drink even cheaper alcohol

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The CBI yesterday told the nation’s students that tuition fees could be increased if only they all agreed to drink cheaper, and ever more dangerous alcoholic fluids.

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Scientists to investigate rift in Old Trafford time continuum

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Scientists are to investigate a potential breakdown in the laws of the Universe which appear to have centred themselves over Old Trafford, the home of Manchester United.

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Is something happening with the yellow party, asks everyone

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As the Liberal Democrats began their annual conference, everyone in the UK wondered if there was something going on with that yellow party, the one led by that guy who looks a bit like Tim from The Office.

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Flavio Briatore to seek new corruption opportunities

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After leaving his position as boss of the Renault Formula 1 team, Flavio Briatore is already seeking out new opportunities for his unique ability to spread corruption and subterfuge.

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Rubbish doctors to get much, much longer holidays

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Health Secretary Andy Burnham has announced plans to scrap GP catchment areas in England within a year, allowing poor performing doctors more time to do very little indeed.

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Everyone denies buying Dan Brown’s latest record breaker

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Dan Brown’s follow-up to The Da Vinci Code has sold more copies in its first 36 hours of UK release than any other adult hardback novel, despite nobody admitting to buying a copy.

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Film-makers devastated as ‘Bowling for Audenshaw’ shelved indefinitely

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Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.

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