Wednesday 23 September 2009

China agrees to slow down the rate at which it kills us all


China has promised to slow the exponential rise in its CO2 emissions, ensuring the eventual spluttering death of the planet will take a few years longer than environmentalists currently expect.

The promise came at a one-day UN climate change summit and many delegates were delighted as the focus switched from themselves to the world’s biggest polluter, China.

President Hu Jintao told the  summit in New York that efforts would be made, but that “it would be helpful if you could stop buying every last piece of the cheap shit made by our kids.”

“We’re doing our best, but when you Westerners continue to demand cheap trainers, clothes and electronics the only way we can satisfy that demand is with another smoke churning factory populated by nimble-fingered toddlers.”

“We make those children work as hard as we can, but sometimes we just have to burn stuff to hit the delivery deadlines you set us.”

“We tried making them work in the dark, but the quality dropped and you all went bat-shit crazy about the odd missed stitch on your latest sneakers.”

Commitment

China has been careful not to place any specific number on the planned reduction in CO2 growth, which has made many environmentalists question the value of the commitment.

“It depends on how much they slow it all down really,” said Greenpeace activist Shelley Moss.

“Does this move mean the planet has another ten years of sustainable life before its eventual spluttering demise, or is it twenty-five?”

The US has been quick to point out that it is making significant inroads into its own reduction in CO2 emissions, as former Presidential candidate Al Gore was quick to tell everyone who would listen.

“The most popular car in the US now achieves almost 12 miles to the gallon, and our citizens are now mostly willing to walk up to two hundred yards on any given journey.”

“That is a significant improvement, we ARE changing.”

“But let us not lose sight of the real issue at hand, it is up to everyone else in the world to be more efficient in supplying the plethora of pointless consumer garbage our nations consumes.”

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