The CBI yesterday told the nation’s students that tuition fees could be increased if only they all agreed to drink cheaper, and ever more dangerous alcoholic fluids.
The Confederation of British Industry says the extra money needed to fund universities should come from savings in students’ overly-generous alcohol budgets.
The CBI’s director general, Richard Lambert told reporters, “The simple fact is that today’s students have developed expensive tastes, and it has to stop.”
“In my day we didn’t think twice about making Pocheen from old potatoes and would spend days in a drunken stupor, all for just a few pennies.”
“So when I see a student drinking Stella Artois, a little bit of me dies inside. The cost of that pint could have easily been redistributed to my shareholders.”
Much of the criticism of student tastes has been rejected by the National Union of Students, whose president told us, “They can fuck right off. I already drink a litre of mouthwash before I go out.”
“If fees go up any more I would have to move on to lighter fluid, and I hear that’s a bastard for hangovers.”
A compromise suggestion that students could pay more in fees if they cut back on drinking, has been met with fierce opposition from the NUS.
“Are you fucking mental? I only came to University to spend three year getting shit-faced on subsidised beer.”
“Next thing you know they’ll be telling us all to do vocational degrees which allow us to add some semblance of value to society when we eventually get there.”
“But if we did that, who would buy all the French Philosophy books, eh? You’ve not thought this through, have you Mr Businessman!”