August 2009

Government surprise as £95 a week apprenticeships are not oversubscribed

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A new website for apprenticeships in England has filled just 7% of the advertised vacancies, despite offering a whole £95 a week to prospective trainees.

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Pietersen’s ego reminds everyone England were winning when he played

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Kevin Pietersen’s ego today told everyone to remember that England were leading the Ashes series at the time he was forced to withdraw due to an achilles injury.

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Arseholes line up to use new .cnt top level domain

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Following the furore surrounding the .eco top level domain, rival arseholes are trying to take control of a new domain aimed at thoroughly despicable shits.

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Rupert Murdoch to charge idiots to read rubbish

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Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp is to start charging retards for on-line access to appalling content across all of its websites.

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Swine flu cases fall dramatically as hypochondriacs return to work

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The number of new cases of H1N1 swine flu in England and Scotland has fallen significantly after 110,000 self-diagnosed cases miraculously recovered, latest figures show.

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Clinton negotiates US prisoner release with seduction lessons for Kim Jong-Il

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Former US President Bill Clinton has left North Korea with the two US reporters whose release he negotiated by giving Kim Jong-Il a days training in the art of seduction.

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Book shops warn Oxfam with threats of charitable actions

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The Provincial Booksellers Fairs Association (PBFA) – who represent the nation’s second-hand book sellers, have slammed “bloody do-gooding” charity, OXFAM, for threatening to put them out of business.

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Gordon Brown to spend summer messing things up for free

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Gordon Brown will spend part of his summer break voluntary ruining things for people living in his Kirkcaldy constituency, Downing Street officials have said. Several newspapers are reporting that the PM has said he hopes to spend a week doing community work trying to get away from everyone who despises him, by offering his arseing-up [...]

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Two-thirds of teenagers complain over lack of sex texts

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Almost two-thirds of under-18s have complained after receiving absolutely no offensive or distressing sexual images electronically, a survey by the charity Beatbullying suggests. The charity said a lack of “sexting” was becoming a growing problem for 62% of teenagers surveyed. “I’m not even sure what a female nipple looks like,” said fifteen year-old Simon Banks. [...]

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England desperate to claim minced sheep intestines as its own

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A haggis recipe found in English book almost two hundred years before any evidence of the dish in Scotland, has led desperate English food historians to claim it as their own.

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