Friday 28 August 2009 By Jeff Flyn

Men seek referrendum on male obscenities


A group of disenchanted ‘Masculists’ – men who campaign for the same rights as women – have caused uproar by announcing their campaign for a referendum on ‘male’ sexual swear words.

Dave Scrote, spokesmen for the group, explained “For way too long have women had a monopoly on offensive swearwords.”

“Why should our sexuality be deemed any less offensive than that of a woman doing exactly the same job as us, but for less pay?”

He argues that male anatomy-based swearwords are ‘shit’, whilst everyone gets upset when you use any term related to a woman’s front-bottom.

He continued, “As an experiment, I sent my children to school armed with a crib sheet of expletives and my three year old boy was greeted with smiles and laughter, when he called his friend a ‘knob’ for slipping over in the playground.”

“But when my five year old daughter branded her teacher a ‘c*nt’ for being too slow to hand out the PVA glue, she received a month’s detention.  Where is the parity in that, I ask you?”

Feminists

In a move set to anger feminists throughout the English speaking world, the Masculists have petitioned parliament to re-categorise anatomy-based sexual swearwords.

It is hoped swear words such as ‘Dick’, ‘Knob’ and ‘Cock’ will be upgraded to become as offensive as ‘Twat’ and the dreaded ‘C’ word, but their plan has met some opposition.

A government spokesman has acknowledged their claims, but revealed “The real problem is that male swearwords tend to also mean other, less offensive, things.”

“For example ‘Knobs’ can also be attached to doors.  Water pipes have ‘stop cocks’ on them and I happen to have a very good friend called, ‘Dick’.”

“I have however, yet to encounter a person called ‘C*nt’.  Even in Germany and spelt with a ‘K’.”

Compromise

However, the Government has suggested a compromise, “I think we should invent a new word that men can use to refer to their penises that sounds like a rude fruit, or vegetable, or something, and can thus be branded as a category ‘A’ swearword.”

“How about something like ‘Ghernis’ or ‘Peecumber’?”

An approach which Mr. Scrote welcomes, “I quite like ‘Peecumber’”, he admitted.

Germaine Greer, wiry-haired advocate of the use of female expletives and author of the controversial article, ‘Lady, love your c*nt’, is incensed.

“Emily Davidson didn’t chuck herself in the front of that bloody race-horse just so men can swan about with their own swearwords.”

“‘Gernis’, ‘Peecumber’ or whatever – they just want to have their cock and eat it too and personally, I find that offensive.”

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