Thursday 27 August 2009

Vacuous non-entities forced to repopulate nation’s street corners


The final episode of television’s Big Brother will be broadcast next year, forcing thousands of vacuous retards to seek alternative methods of garnering instant attention.

Channel 4, home of the programme since it began in 2000, has failed in attempts to completely ditch the sinking pile of foetid televisual shite, and will therefore screen the final series, the eleventh, next summer.

Channel 4’s director of television Kevin Lygo said the show “had reached a natural end point – the complete and utter collapse of the nation’s cultural identity – and it is now time to move on.”

“Thirty minute highlight packages of mongs and vain dip-shits was vaguely entertaining for the first few years, but now it’s a bit like visiting a zoo populated by the clinically insane.”

“Yes, watching them eat their own excrement and debase themselves for our pleasure on national television is funny the first couple of times.  But there is nothing left to see.”

“We planned a in which the contestants weekly food rations were directly related to the weight of a hat they made from their own recently amputated body parts – but it barely raised a ‘meh’ from the focus group.”

Ratings

Big Brother has suffered from falling ratings in recent years, with the current run watched only by journalists from OK, Hello and various gossip magazines.

This has led to concern for the thousands of ‘people’ who apply to be on the show each year and their insatiable need for completely unwarranted attention.

“Those who can sing, either really well, or really really badly, can try X Factor.” said a Channel 4 spokesperson.

“Those who just look a bit pretty, can try The Next Top Model.”

“If any of them can eat 60 eggs in five minutes, or juggle chainsaws, then maybe Britain’s Got Talent is their route to fame?”

“The rest, well they’ll simply return to drinking on the nation’s street corners and spend their time shouting at strangers and barking at passing cars.”

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