Thursday 13 August 2009

Police to focus thief hunt on anyone selling £40m of jewellery


The police said last night that they will be focussing their hunt for the New Bond Street jewel thieves on anyone looking to sell approximately £40m worth of jewels.

As pictures of the thieves were circulated to the national media, the police have asked the public to be on special alert.

“We would ask for extreme vigilance, especially when approached by people offering you a significant discount on valuable merchandise.”

“If someone approaches you in the pub offering some serious bling at a bargain price of thirty million pounds, we would very much like to hear about it.”

“Perhaps you could call us and then stall them by accidentally making errors on the cheque you are writing out for them?”

“Or maybe your best friend has started wearing a necklace with diamonds the size of Mike Tyson’s fist, despite working the tills in Asda?”

“That would be what we in the trade refer to, as a ‘clue’.”

Public assistance

With members of the public on high alert, the police are keen to ensure any leads are genuine and are looking to avoid any false of misleading information.

“Telling us they got away in a medium sized car that was probably dark in colour helps abso-fucking-lutely no-one.” said a police spokesperson .

“Seriously, they might as well have said nothing.”

Ambiguity in police statements has long been a problem for investigating officers who can waste valuable minutes chasing down pointless leads.

“It’s almost like they don’t WANT us to solve these crimes.”

“We have asked them to be on the look-out for a couple of men with a big bag of jewelley worth approximately £40m.  If that’s not what you saw, we’re not interested.”

“We’ve done our bit. Now it’s up to the public.” they concluded.

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