Wednesday 12 August 2009

Conservatives definitely the least shitty option, says Osborne


Shadow chancellor George Osborne has said the Conservatives are now the “least shitty” force in UK politics after outlining plans to let the lowest bidder educate the nation’s children.

He said the Conservatives planned to reform public services such as schools in a way which would definitely show them to be less shitty than the incumbent government, whilst not harming front line services, at least until they were in power.

Reputation

Osborne said in a speech to the Demos think-tank, “Just because a party has a shitty reputation, is populated by shitty individuals, and tends to shit on just about everyone around them, does not automatically make them the most shitty option available.”

“It is clear that Labour have done such a god-awful shitty job over the last two years that no-one could be quite as shitty as them, and our position as the least shitty option will be a central tenet of next years election campaign.”

Response

Lord Mandelson responded by saying, “Well, they would say that, wouldn’t they.”

“If you’re looking to find the most attractive turd, do you go for the unseen one gurgling away in your bowels, a defecation so rancid it might bring the about the apocalypse,”

“Or do you go for the reliable one-wipe turd, which might honk a bit, but at least you know what to expect from it.”

“We are confident that given the choice, the people of the UK will stick with the shits that they know rather than the excrement they don’t.”

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