As alcohol was largely blamed for an “alarming” rise in the rate of oral cancers, drinkers everywhere responded by saying it’s still not scary enough to stop them drinking it.
Alcohol consumption has doubled since the 1950s – mainly due to companies spending millions to make it taste better – increasing mouth cancers by 26%, says Cancer Research UK.
However increased threats of ill-health have done nothing to quell the thirst of the nation’s drinkers.
“So, the offer is to keep everything in my head from the neck up, but I have to remain sober for the rest of my life? No thanks.” said 40 year-old Billy Nathan.
“The simple fact is that I love drinking, and I love it significantly more than the threat of cancer scares me.”
“If they want me to stop drinking, they’ll have to come up with something scarier than oral cancer, because frankly I could easily get by without a tongue.”
“I hardly even use it when I’m pissed anyway.”
“But even if you told me drinking would make my cock fall off, I’d still want to see the evidence from a double blind clinical trial.”
Women have also shown increased susceptibility to oral cancers, but they too appear to be ambivalent to the increased risks.
“If scientists really want to help, they should stop all this curing cancer rubbish and invent a bottle of wine that doesn’t give you cancer in the first place,” said 39 year-old Sharon Bootle.
“Because I would happily buy that. If it was less than a fiver.”