Tuesday 4 August 2009

England desperate to claim minced sheep intestines as its own


A haggis recipe found in an English book almost two hundred years before any evidence of the dish in Scotland, has led desperate English food historians to claim it as their own.

The discovery of the ancient recipe, which describes the process of grinding all the disgusting bits of the animal you would never eat and stuffing them inside another bit you’d normally throw away, has excited the nation’s foodies.

“This is incredible news,” said celebrity detritus chef, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

“All this time we thought our traditional dishes were mainly tasteless root vegetables boiled for hours until they were a grey mush, but actually we were grinding up delicious sheep entrails long before the Scots.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if Balut, the Asian dish of a fertilized duck foetus boiled inside it’s egg turned out to be English too, our ancestors clearly had a flair for vomit inducing dishes.”

Gruesome

However, not all restaurant goers have been as keen to revel in the discovery of an English history rich in nauseating culinary flair.

“Why couldn’t that recipe book have included a good old fashioned English recipe for something like Pizza, or Chicken Tikka Masala?” asked Steve Walsh of Manchester.

“I’d even have settled for the recipe for that foreign muck, chicken chow mein.”

When asked for a comment on the news, Scotland said, “You’re fucking welcome to it, we spent years pretending to like it, but now it’s England’s, we can safely admit it’s utter gash.”

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