July 2009

Bullies thank Tom Daley’s father for great new material

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Bullies in the South-West have today thanked the father of 15 year-old diving world champion Tom Daley for providing them with some great new material for the forthcoming academic year.

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Aussie fear over post-earthquake Kiwi invasion

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Following last weeks 7.8 mega-quake off the coast of New Zealand, it has been revealed that the country has moved 30cm closer to Australia.

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Man City to make £50m bid for Newcastle United supporters

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Premier League billionaires Manchester City have today launched an audacious bid for the entire fan base of recently relegated Newcastle United.

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Ozzy Osborne to offer lifeline to ailing banking sector

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Wobbly-armed rocker, Ozzy Osbourne is to take a leaf out of the books of high-profile philanthropic musicians Bono, Chris Martin, Sting and Darius Danesh and plans to inject funds into the UK’s beleaguered economy.

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I’ve always loved the cricket, insists everyone

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As England ended a 75-year wait for a test victory against Australia at Lords, absolutely everybody has claimed to be a long-time cricket lover.

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Conspiracy theorists celebrate 40 year anniversary of fake moon landing

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The world’s conspiracy theorists are celebrating today as the 40th anniversary of the first person to claim the moon landings were nothing more than an elaborate ruse.

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Nation relaxes as terrorist threat is deemed to be merely ‘substantial’

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People across the UK are relaxing as the terror threat level has been lowered to “substantial”, the Home Office has said.

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Sports commentators to expand vocabulary of filth

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Sports commentators have been given a unique opportunity to expand their working horizons, after the Royal National Institute for Blind People (RNIB) successfully lobbied parliament to fund ‘Sex Talkers’ for the blind.

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Nation finally has excuse to quarantine Cherie Blair

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The UK was celebrating last night after a bout of swine flu finally gave the country an excuse to quarantine Cherie Blair. Mrs Blair started feeling unwell at the start of the week and has now been diagnosed with the H1N1 virus, known by everyone as swine flu. As the diagnosis was made, everyone in [...]

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BBC punishes presenter for self-deprecating attack on BBC presenter

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The BBC last night vowed to punish an unnamed presenter after they launched a scathing attack on a BBC presenter, via a self-deprecating joke.

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