Wednesday 29 July 2009

MOD reduces safety equipment to ensure all injuries are fatal


The Ministry of Defence is taking steps to remove all of its battlefield safety equipment to prevent soldiers returning home from tours of duty with expensive ‘injuries’.

As the MOD tries in vain to cut the compensation awarded to two injured servicemen, the new plan is expected to completely eradicate the blight of injured soldiers and their seemingly endless medical bills.

“The decision is not personal, it’s basic economics,” said Defence Minister Bob Ainsworth.

“We’ve all had to make sacrifices in this climate, for example I no longer get my other mortgage paid for, but now our armed forces must also make some sacrifices, rather literally.”

“We can not, under any circumstances, have our injured soldiers creating a further drain on the tax payers whilst we are still owed vast sums of money by the nation’s billionaire bankers.”

Details

Though the details of the new plan are still sketchy, an MOD spokesperson outlined some of the major changes expected to be in place in Afghanistan by the end of the month.

“First of all, we are ditching kevlar helmets and vests.”

“Instead, the kevlar will be used to cover the arms and legs of our front-line soldiers, so that if they get hit on a limb they can continue to fight,”

“But a chest or head shot will now ensure a swift, blood-gargling, economically advantageous, death.”

“Let us be clear, if they get so much as a paper cut on duty, we want it infected, and the soldier suffering severe life-limiting sepsis within 24 hours.”

“The message to our new recruits is clear.  We will  do everything in our power to keep you fighting fit whilst you are on the front-line,”

“But the moment you’re no longer able to discharge your weapon, we’ll happily leave you to die like a dog.”

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