Friday 24 July 2009 By Si Taylor

Kevin Keegan to walk out on himself


In a move that will shock football fans across the nation perennial quitter Kevin Keegan yesterday announced to his family that he was walking out on himself.

Keegan, 72, who has a consistent record of leaving when the going gets tough, is thought to have caved in to the pressure of the natural ageing process that occurs to all inhabitants of Planet Earth.

He will now be looking for a younger human body to reside in, one that has yet to succumb to the ravages of time.

In a brief statement read out from inside his spare toilet under the stairs Keegan, 34, said “I just think this body has got too much for me,”

“I don’t quite think I have what it takes at this level to handle the job of managing myself effectively and so it’s time to move on and let someone else have a go.”

Teens

A passionate Keegan, 56, went on “I would love it if someone in their teens would give me their body, just love it.”

The surprising move to quit himself should come as no surprise to those who have followed Keegan’s career to date, where his resignations read as follows – Newcastle United, Fulham, Newcastle again, England, Newcastle, Man City and finally Newcastle.

Keegan, 29, is expected to begin searching for his new body next week.

In X-Factor style auditions applicants will be invited to stand on the touchline at St James Park for 90 minutes and wave their arms about in an incoherent manner.

Plus points will be given for gradually looking more and more confused during the audition before drafting a resignation letter around the 80th minute.

Long time assistant and close friend Terry Mcdermott gave his considered response, “Oh fucking great, now who am I going to hang onto for the rest of my career?”

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