Monday 20 July 2009 By Jeff Flynn

Sports commentators to expand vocabulary of filth


Sports commentators have been given a unique opportunity to expand their working horizons, after the Royal National Institute for Blind People (RNIB) successfully lobbied parliament to fund ‘Sex Talkers’ for the blind.

Under the new ruling, ocularly-challenged people now have the right to demand an expert commentator to talk them through the ‘dirty bits’ of lovemaking, when engaging in sexual intercourse.

A RNIB spokesman told us, “For too long have the aural needs of blind people been overlooked when they have sex, or give themselves a crafty hand-shandy.”

“Why should over ten percent of the UK population be denied the experience of boning a chick whilst having the event vividly brought to life by some of the most evocative vocalisers in the modern game?”

He continued “They will work just like guide dogs, except instead of barking, they will use phrases like ‘undulating bosom’ and ‘glistening manhood’ to help excite their owners.”

Aural partner programme

Under the scheme, a commentator will be housed with a blind person in order to care for their sexually descriptive needs 24/7 and so far, response from sports pundits has been extremely positive.

Jeri-curled grump John McEnroe and goose-stepping adulterer, Boris Becker, have already signed up for the scheme.

Becker told reporters, “I normally go back to my home town, Leiman, West Germany for 50 weeks after Wimbledon, where I listen to sad songs and eat Hagen Das Ice Cream right out of the tub.”

“Now I can work all year round, learn some amazing new words AND help the disabled to boot.”

Enthusiasm

John McEnroe also spoke enthusiastically about the new law, “Man, it’s Goddamm brilliant!”

“And believe you me, when these blind bastards get in the sack they really CAN be serious!”

However, a number of blind people have been less than keen to have a professional commentator assisting them in the act of coitus.

“Nobody wants to hear John Motson excitedly describe the act of male ejaculation, do they?”

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