Thursday 16 July 2009

US decides smoking not as dangerous to soldiers as missiles and bullets


American troops are not to be banned from smoking in war zones, as it poses less of a health risk than all the explosions and enemy bullets, the US Defence Department says.

The decision comes despite a recent study which recommended the US military should be tobacco-free, due to the danger it places on the health of soldiers in battle.

“We care deeply about the health of our soldiers,” said a US Defence Department spokesperson.

“Which is why we spent millions investigating the respiratory effects of smoking, instead of researching bullet proof face masks.”

Good news

The news has been hailed as a rare example of common sense by gun-toting nicotine addicts everywhere.

“Look, I’ll give up smoking the day that the enemy stops trying to blow a great big fucking hole in my face, how about that?” said one front-line soldier.

“If the Government is so concerned about our health and safety, how about they do something to stop people firing semi-automatic weapons at us on a daily basis, eh?”

“Or maybe they could stop sending us into places riddled with well-armed terrorists?”

“It’s not like a bit of nicotine affects your ability to discharge your weapon anway.”

“The Taliban spend most days smacked up to their eyeballs, and they’re doing alright.”

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