Fruit and vegetables shaped like deformed genitals are making a comeback as 20-year-old EU rules are lifted after people finally realised they taste the same as the prettier produce.
Marketing standards for 26 types of produce have been scrapped, in a drive to cut EU bureaucracy by eliminating all the jobs of people who spend all day looking for penis shaped fruit and vegetables.
The European Commission’s move has been welcomed by supermarkets and smaller retailers.
“We already stock button mushrooms that resemble the flaccid penis of a small shivering Asian man,” said a Tesco spokesman.
“So really, this is no great change to what we already do, and we expect our customers to embrace the greater choice of world-wide genital resemblances in their food.”
However, some consumers are less than pleased with changes this will introduce to the daily challenge to meet their recommended five a day allowance.
“If I’m going to put something in my mouth that looks like a withered old scrotum, it had bloody well better be a withered old scrotum,” said Sainsbury’s customer Sally Donald, 37 of Basingstoke.
“No, I want my fruit and vegetables to look like nothing but fruit and vegetables.”
“So I’m going to stick to cucumbers and courgettes.”