June 2009

At least I let them think there was an election, says Ahmadinejad

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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has defended his re-election as Iran’s president, by insisting that at least he gave the Iranian people the impression they were actually voting.

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Scientists discover thoroughly pointless new element

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Scientists have discovered a “super-heavy” element 112 – called Ununbium – which will be added to the periodic table despite it serving no apparent purpose whatsoever.

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Spain’s 3.6m unemployed weep with joy at £80m Ronaldo signing

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Spain’s 3.6 million unemployed today took to the streets in celebration of Real Madrid’s capture of Cristiano Ronaldo for £80m of what is, ultimately, their money.

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Yoko Ono wins lifetime award for something or other

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John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono has been given a lifetime achievement award by Mojo magazine for reasons yet to become apparent to anyone.

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The Apprentice series six in chaos as all contestants join RMT Union

The new season of The Apprentice was thrown into chaos last night amid rumours that all potential contestants had joined the RMT Union under the stewardship of Bob Crow. The contestants were lured by RMT promises of zero sackings – televised or otherwise – regardless of their performance, or indeed the show’s ratings. “As always, [...]

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Capello magic continues as England demolish sheep farmers and electricians

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England’s relentless march towards the 2010 World Cup in South Africa has gathered almost unstoppable momentum after a Wembley victory against some sheep farmers, electricians and a banker. The nation’s football fans were left breathless as Fabio Capello’s side barely broke stride against the 196th best team in the world on their way to a [...]

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For Christ’s sake shut up and buy new iPhone 3GS, pleads O2

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With the new iPhone 3GS due for release on 17 June, O2 have pleaded with existing customers to buy-out their contracts and become early-adopting ‘cash cows’ all over again.

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Gordon Brown learns to learn things that need learning

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After an arduous meeting of the Parliamentary Labour Party which lasted over five hours, Gordon Brown has told his party he ready to move forward after learning much about himself. “I have learned that I have some strengths and I have some weaknesses. I’ve also learned that you need to keep learning all the time,” [...]

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Just be clearer about what you really want me to do, Brown tells party

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Gordon Brown has faced down his Labour critics by asking them to be a bit clearer in whatever it is that they are trying to say to him. As the eighth minister from the cabinet resigned after refusing to publicly back the Prime Minister, Brown has asked for clarity in their demands. “MPs are notorious [...]

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RMT to strike over continued requirement to drive trains

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London commuters face travel chaos after talks aimed at averting a two-day strike by Tube workers broke down over TfL’s insistence that tube workers would still have to drive trains. The Rail Maritime and Transport Union (RMT) rejected a proposal for a pay rise of 1.5% this year and 0.5% above inflation for the next [...]

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