Friday 26 June 2009

Sales of life-extending hyperbaric chambers to plummet


Sales of life-extending hyperbaric chambers are expected to plummet today upon news that they don’t actually work as well as the sales people might have led their customers to believe.

The chambers, which allow you to breathe concentrated oxygen at above normal atmospheric pressure, are said to offer a number of health benefits, with one customer investing in one believing it would extend his life by 150 years.

However, news that one high profile user has succumbed to a perfectly normal death at the age of just fifty, has led to many customers querying the validity of the life-extending claims.

“I only bought one because Michael Jackson did,” said Rob Matthews of Streatham.

“And I live in a two-bed terrace, so it’s been a pain in the arse to to keep around the place for the last fifteen years.”

“I thought by copying him I too could live to 150, but now I’m selling my hyperbaric chamber – and God knows what I’m going to do with this monkey.”

Healthy

Producers of hyperbaric chambers have been quick to defend the health benefits of their products.

“Our chambers help extend life as part of a healthy lifestyle,” said CEO of Livelong Chambers Inc., Shyler Grossman.

“The manual is quite clear on our recommendations to stay away from monkeys, llamas, fairgrounds, courthouses, plastics, children under ten, Uri Gellar, and anything with the word Millennium in it.”

“If our customers choose to ignore that advice, we cannot be help accountable.”

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