Prime Minister Gordon Brown yesterday took time out from his busy schedule of attempting to salvage any last vestiges of a political career to enquire about the health of Susan Boyle, a woman he’d never even heard of six weeks ago.
Brown was so desperate to find out how the Britain’s Got Retards runner-up was doing that he was forced into using generally unacceptable communication channels, and had to speak to smarmy Simon Cowell side-kick, Piers Morgan.
“We insisted that the conversation was brief,” said a Whitehall insider.
“The general public seems to think he’s a smug, egotistical, kniving, self-publicising liar who will say just about anything on television to appear more popular with the people.”
“So talking to Piers Morgan was never going to help with that.”
Though Brown was clearly hoping his faux-concern for a woman he completely ignored for over forty-eight years would garner him some goodwill, many simply wanted to know why he hasn’t called them.
We spoke to one student Nurse who had worked over 100 hours last week, “Where was my call?” she asked.
“I am so exhausted from emptying bed pans in over-crowded hospital wards that I fell asleep whilst stood in the express queue at Tesco.”
“If he wanted to know how I am he wouldn’t even have to call that odious twat, I’m in the bloody phone book!”
Another resident of The Priory said it was clearly a case of institutional racism.
“She’s a bit tired, so he called to check she was OK, is that right? Well it’s obvious to me that it’s just because she’s Scottish.”
“It’s clearly not because she’s ill, because I’ve been covering myself in human excrement for months now, and I’ve not had so much as a text message.”
“So even though I am clinically insane, I still won’t be voting for the twat.”