May 2009

Gas and electric smart meters to include GPS functionality

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Gas and electricity customers using new smart meters are in for a treat, says British Gas. From 2010, not only will new meters allow customers to see how much energy they are using, but the new software upgrade will incorporate a built-in GPS unit. Doubling Estimates A spokesman for the utility giant said: “This service [...]

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What the fuck is quantitative easing, asks every taxpayer

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The Bank of England has kept interest rates on hold at 0.5% and completely confused the nation by claiming it will inject an extra £50bn into the UK economy through quantitative easing.

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Navy centenary flypast scares the bejesus out of London

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The Royal Navy has terrified the city of London by marking 100 years of aviation with a spectacular flypast over HMS Illustrious on the river Thames. A formation of 40 aircraft, led by Merlin attack helicopters, passed over the capital on their way to the strike carrier. Sea Kings, Lynx, Hawks and Jetstreams were among [...]

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Now you are just copying USA, world tells South Africa

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The leader of South Africa’s African National Congress, Jacob Zuma, has been officially elected the country’s president by members of parliament prompting claims of ‘copy-cat copy-cat’ around the world. Political experts have pointed out that the election of a black South African President bears an uncanny resemblance to the election of Barack Obama in the [...]

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Lumley has clearly never heard of Gordon Brown, says everyone

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Joanna Lumley has stunned absolutely everyone by claiming she trusts Gordon Brown to do the “right thing” for the Gurkhas after meeting with the prime minister to discuss the issue. The actress has long campaigned for all Gurkhas and their families to be given the right to settle in the UK and met with Prime [...]

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Absolutely no-one from Manchester to pay for a voluntary ID card

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Manchester will this autumn become the first city where people will completely reject the national ID card, Jacqui Smith is to confirm later today. Anyone over 16 in the city who holds a UK passport will be able to apply for a card at a post office or pharmacy, which will cost between £30 and [...]

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16 fake passports to be purchased as UK publishes banned list

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The names of 16 people barred from entering the UK for fostering extremism or hatred have been published for the first time. Islamic extremists, white supremacists and a US radio host are among the 16 excluded in the five months to March, all of whom have been named by the Home Office. Controversial Muslim Cleric [...]

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Met Office urged to look out of window once in a while

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The UK’s Meteorological Office was today urged to look out of its fucking window every once and a while before issuing its weather forecasts. With real-time weather information now available across the Internet, London-based weather service users have been quick to criticise their apparent lackadaisical approach. “How hard can it fucking be?” said one piss-wet [...]

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Swine flu now almost as dangerous as doing DIY

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As the latest UK figures showed that an incredible 27 people are confirmed as suffering from, or pretty much recovered from Swine flu, scientists claim it is now almost as dangerous as doing DIY. With zero fatalities and 27 ‘injuries’, swine flu is now just three deaths away from being as big a killer in [...]

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Birmingham Chairman celebrates promotion in front of helicopter

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Birmingham City FC Chairman David Gold has celebrated his team’s return to the Premier League in front of a helicopter.  His helicopter. Promotion was secured for the second city’s second team on the final day of the Championship season with a 2-1 away victory against promotion rivals Reading. The victory sparked wild celebrations among the [...]

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