May 2009

Mugabe keen to implement UK government expenses policy

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President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has called for his country to adopt the UK system as he seeks to overhaul his government’s expenses policy. Following considerable international criticism, Mr Mugabe is seeking to rebuild his administration based on best-practises from around the globe, and he has identified the UK parliamentary expenses policy as perfect for [...]

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I TOLD you I was properly sick, says every man still alive

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Men really do have an excuse for suffering terribly with so-called ‘minor’ coughs and colds – their immune systems are not as strong as women’s, research suggests. A Canadian study indicates that the female sex hormone oestrogen not only makes them weepy and overly emotional, it also gives women’s immune systems added bite when it [...]

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Children arrested during raids on illegally large classrooms

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A number of armed raids around the country have led to the arrest of seventeen children charged with breaching laws on classroom sizes. Government figures released this week showed that the number of five-to-seven year-olds being taught in “unlawfully large classes” has doubled in the last ten years, prompting local police forces to take action [...]

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British pub finds non-smoking loophole for deathwish customers

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The landlady of a British pub has exploited a loophole in the country’s smoking ban by opening a “cancer and emphysema centre” where drinkers can light up legally, reports said today. Locals at the Cutting Edge pub in Barnsley, northern England, must sign a form stating their desire to contract various forms of cancer and [...]

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Quinlan banned for failing to properly remove eye of opponent

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Munster flanker Alan Quinlan will miss the British and Irish Lions tour of South Africa after being banned for 12 weeks for failing to correctly gouge out the eye of Leinster captain, Leo Cullen. The ban, for an offence during the teams’ Heineken Cup semi-final clash at Croke Park, means Quinlan misses the Lions tour, [...]

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I say we do that thing that Cameron said, only better, says Brown

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Prime Minister Gordon Brown has said all MPs’ receipts over four years must be scrutinised by an independent group after hearing David Cameron say something almost identical earlier in the day. Following days of damaging revelations about MPs’ expenses claims, he said “extreme” action was needed and this included copying Tory policy, verbatim. The Prime [...]

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Everyone else in F1 slows down, or we are off, say Ferrari

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Ferrari have threatened to quit Formula 1 at the end of the season unless all the other cars agree to slow down a bit. Ferrari fear the evolution of a two-tier championship, which along with this seasons technical changes, will result in a Formula 1 Championship that somebody else could quite feasibly win. “No F1 [...]

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The end of a fairytale that absolutely no-one saw coming

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In a move that has shocked absolutely everyone everywhere, celebrity couple Katie Price and Peter Andre are to separate after four-and-a half years of marriage. The pair “have requested that the media respect their families’ privacy at this difficult time, unless there is a magazine deal in it for them” according to their management company. [...]

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Ramsay censured over TV swearing despite not saying cunt

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Gordon Ramsay’s Great British Nightmare has breached Ofcom regulations by using “the most offensive” language 115 times in the first 40 minutes, despite not dropping the C-bomb even once. The Channel 4 programme received 51 complaints from people with nothing better to do, with the language described by some as “gratuitous and unreal”. “This is [...]

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If the system said put our heads in an oven, we would, say MPs

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MPs on all sides of the House have come under increasing pressure regarding the outrageous expenses claims made over the last three years. With the Conservatives set to bear the brunt of today’s expenses revelations, David Cameron has been quick to point out that it is the system that is broken, and not the moral [...]

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