May 2009

Where is the missing link between the missing links, ask creationists

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Creationist organisations all over the world have claimed that the preserved remains of a 47-million-year-old, lemur-like creature were put there by the baby Jesus and do not in fact represent a “missing link” in human evolution.

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Cricket only marginally less boring when I’m playing, says West Indies captain

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West Indies cricket captain Chris Gayle caused a stir this week when he revealed his complete ambivalence towards the sport he has spent his entire life playing. During the recent humiliation against one of the most mediocre England teams in the past decade, he described the test version of the game as “the biggest waste [...]

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UK told summer is going to be a bit hotter than normal, probably

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The UK is probably set for a heatwave this summer, possibly, according to the Met Office. The Met Office says it is too early to tell for certain, but the signs so far are that it will be warmer than our last two summers and conditions could well trigger the nation’s ‘heatwave warning system’. In [...]

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Angels and Demons almost exactly as bad as The DaVinci Code

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The much-anticipated follow up to The DaVinci Code, ‘Angels and Demons’ has somehow made it to the top of the UK box office – despite most cinema-goers proclaiming it to be almost exactly as bad as the first film. This represents a significant victory for the studio, as follow up movies rarely meet the standards [...]

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Man reaches end of adult movie

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A middle-aged Essex man has caused a storm by reaching the end of a pornographic movie. The 29 year-old man had been in possession of the movie for three years, but in his numerous viewings had never actually reached the end. “I’d never needed to keep watching to the end,” he said to waiting reporters. [...]

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MPs urgently seeking new expenses scapegoat

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Michael Martin is understood to be preparing to announce he will stand down as Commons Speaker leaving the country’s MPs with nobody else to point the finger at. There is concern that once the Speaker is removed from his position, media attention with again return to the voracious self-indulgent MPs themselves. Mr Martin has been [...]

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We need better sex eduation, says every Sun reader

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Every single Sun reader has been left stunned after Alfie Patten, the boy who was reported to have conceived a child when he was 12 years old, was proved not to be the baby’s father. DNA tests have shown that the father is in fact another boy, of 15, who managed to get into the [...]

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MoD anger as ruling gives troops ‘right to not die hideous deaths’

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Judges have thrown out a government appeal by deciding that the Human Rights Act can apply to British troops, even on the battlefield. The judgement the MoD appealed against said “right to life” meant it had a legal duty to supply proper equipment and could no longer send soldiers into battle wearing flip-flops and a [...]

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World’s best Dad receives suspended prison sentence

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A father who asked an undercover police officer posing as a prostitute to take his 14-year-old son’s virginity has been given a suspended prison sentence. The 42 year-old man, who can not be named for legal reasons, showed a stunning level of insight into the true birthday wishes of every fourteen year-old boy in the [...]

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Gordon Brown accused in further financial scandal

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Gordon Brown was fighting for his political life today, after becoming embroiled in another scandal around financial irregularities. With support already plummeting nationwide following the recent expenses revelations, the Mr Brown was today at the centre of another scandal involving unearned payments. The Public Accounts Committee has launched an investigation into Mr Brown’s office, following [...]

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