Tuesday 26 May 2009 By Tokyo Red

Christian Bale threatens everyone, everywhere


Actor and Batman, Christian Bale has appeared on YouTube stoically munching his way through a live dog in order to distract people from the relentless dismantling of the Terminator franchise.

The clip’s popularity is expected to overtake the celebrity dog-eating clips posted by Samantha Ronson any day now.

George Lucas, a LoveFilm subscriber from Stockport, today commented “his entire career hinges on this nonsensical robot-tossfest.”

“By keeping 12 year old boys glued to YouTube he can decimate the number of cinema goers prepared to sit through this cinematic afterbirth – preserving his chances of gargling his own phlegm through another four Batman films.”

“How the hell does he do that anyway? I tried once and coughed up a lung after ten seconds.”

Hoarse

Professional bat-growler Bale, known to scream himself hoarse at incontinent old ladies, sometimes in preparation for a role, has also threatened to beat the “holy living batfuck” out of anybody who watches Terminator Salvation, even on DVD, the release date for which is expected to be later next week.

Bale’s previous appearance on YouTube, in which he aggressively sodomised a cameraman for audaciously working whilst he was trying really hard to play “let’s pretend”, generated even more hits than dancing fat kid, Kim Jong-Il.

“Do I look like I’m going to cunting well shave it first?” growls Bale in the footage, as he gently pets the shaking jack russel, before chewing off both back legs and part of the dog’s torso.

Bale now plans to use the mauled remains of the animal to beat “twelve shades of wank” out of his mother.

Early viewers of the YouTube describe the pain and terror on the dog’s face as “exquisite”.

YouTube’s spokesman states “we are pleased to offer not only graphic images of canine dismemberment, but also a platform for viewers’ irrelevant comments and violent outbursts of racism.”

“And, let’s be honest, anything we show is better than The Apprentice”.

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