The Catholic Church of Ireland has moved swiftly in responding to criticism of “endemic” child abuse at its institutions by pointing out that there were also some children that were not fiddled with in any way.
A nine-year inquiry investigated a 60-year period and found that over 2,000 children were abused whilst attending Catholic institutions.
However, the Church was quick to point out that this means that there were nearly 33,000 children who the priests and other religious leaders left entirely alone.
“Really it’s only about 5% of children that were fiddled with in some way or another,” said a Church spokesperson.
“Which is actually quite good when you think about it. If you got a serious disease that had a 95% survival rate, you’d be absolutely delighted.”
“We’re just trying to put these figures into some perspective.”
“But no-one wants to talk about the 95% of children who suffered no long lasting mental trauma and wouldn’t know a priests cock if it slapped them in the face.”
“Maybe one of the 95% would like to come forward and tell everyone that – even though we scared the bejesus out of them every single day of their childhood – we never laid a finger on them and that they also got a thoroughly mediocre education into the bargain?”