Friday 8 May 2009

What the fuck is quantitative easing, asks every taxpayer


The Bank of England has kept interest rates on hold at 0.5% and completely confused the nation by claiming it will inject an extra £50bn into the UK economy through quantitative easing.

After the announcement, the pound fell 0.37 cents against the US dollar to $1.51 and 0.67 cents against the euro to 1.13 euros making literally fuck all difference to anyone planning a holiday in Europe or the US.

“We can only assume the lack of movement in the money markets is due to nobody having the faintest idea what any of this means,” said a market analyst for Morgan Stanley.

A Treasury spokesperson was asked if this fiscal move was likely to cause hyperinflation and make the spectre of a million pound loaf of bread a reality, like in Zimbabwe.

“I suppose it’s possible, but really, when has throwing money at a problem ever really caused any problems?” he said.

Confusion

The general public have been quick to ask exactly what is going on after being perpetually confused by the language employed by the Government’s economists.

“Quantitative Easing sounds a bit like to two massive gay men taking their love life quite slowly, is that it?” asked one shopper in Slough.

“If they’re going to print money, why don’t they just give it straight to us and let us spend it in a manner dictated by the markets?” asked a surprisingly well-educated Tesco customer.

As of this morning, the public was still unsure whether this meant they should go out and start spending again.

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