April 2009

G20 post mortem result may go to best of five

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A third post-mortem examination will be carried out on Ian Tomlinson, who died during the G20 protests, leading to speculation the cause of death may be determined by a “best of five” marathon. The request for a third post mortem was made by lawyers for a police officer interviewed about the newspaper vendor’s death on [...]

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Please stop asking me if I’ve had a stroke, asks Gillian McKeith

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Expert excrement forager Gillian McKeith today asked the public to please stop asking her if she has suffered a stroke. The television presenter who no longer uses the title “Dr” because, well, she isn’t one, is said to be tired of people she passes on the street making incorrect diagnoses. “It’s that television advert’s fault,” [...]

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Every little helped, a lot, say Tesco

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Supermarket chain Tesco has reported record underlying annual pre-tax profits of £3.13bn, an improvement of 10% on the previous year. The profit figure, the highest every for a UK retailer should come as no surprise to anyone who has ever set foot in a store. Success of customer programs such as, “Look at this shiny [...]

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Twitter user to live vicariously through friend updates

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A Slough based Twitter user has decided to withdraw completely from society and live his life vicariously through his friends Twitter updates. Gary Shadwell, 32, said that his decision has not been taken lightly. “It was getting harder and harder to keep track of what all my friends were doing whilst also maintaining a fulfilling [...]

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Ferguson rests absolutely everyone to play 4th team at Wembley

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Sir Alex Ferguson yesterday took the unprecedented step of resting his first, second, and third teams for the FA Cup semi-final against Everton. The match was eventually won 4-2 on penalties by Everton after 120 minutes of goalless, actionless, and incidentless monotony. However, the game will best be remembered as the day Manchester United demonstrated [...]

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Coma woman wakes briefly to request album change

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A 28 year-old London woman has woken briefly from her 12 year coma to request that her carers “Change that fucking record, please!” Mary Smithers was hit by a bus in freak accident in 1996 and entered a comatose state almost immediately. Since that point, she has shown very little sign of recovery, though her [...]

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UK stunned by less-attractive woman who can sing

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The UK has been left stunned by Susan Boyle and the revelation that some of the nation’s less attractive people are more than capable of holding a tune. The news has shocked many who believed that the only way someone could use a series of muscles in the throat to produce a discernible tune, was [...]

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Just ask really nicely, Obama tells CIA

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US President Barack Obama has issued an executive order to the CIA and other intelligence agencies outlining a strict set of rules for future interrogations led by US personnel. The rules dictate that the first option should always be, “ask really nicely.” The mandate goes on to say, “And I don’t mean in a huffy [...]

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Daily Mail urged to clarify who it wants dead, Irish or British

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The Daily Mail was today urged to clarify its stance on the HPV vaccine after simultaneously recommending it in Ireland, and calling for it’s ban in Britain. The contradictory editorial stance has led to widespread speculation as to which nation’s citizens the newspaper would prefer to see dead. There has long been strong evidence that [...]

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Jack Tweed sullies the memory of Brave Jade with prison fling

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Brave Jade Goody’s widower Jack Tweed is said to be dishonouring her memory by engaging in a prison romance just hours after being incarcerated. Tweed, 21, was jailed on Tuesday for 12 weeks following his conviction for a brutal assault on a cab driver. However, prison sources have revealed that Tweed has found solace in [...]

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