Wednesday 29 April 2009

61% of you will almost certainly survive swine flu, says Brown


The UK is one of the best prepared countries to deal with swine flu and “all action necessary” will be taken to stop its spread, Gordon Brown has said.

With public fear escalating, the Government has been quick to use facts and figures to reassure those worried about contracting the virus.

“We have enough anti-viral medication for 33 million people,” said the Prime Minister.

“So only 27 million or so of you will drown in your own bodily fluid after it builds up in your lungs over a period of several excruciating days.”

Rebuilding

The remaining 61% of the population will be relied upon to rebuild a society a bit like in that programme Survivors, only with a lot more people having survived.

“There are some tough choices ahead, for sure.” said Health Secretary Alan Johnson.

“We have to pick the 33 million people that best represent our chances of rebuilding a sustainable society.”

“I’m afraid this is bad news if you collect trolleys for a living, or work for a tabloid newspaper.”

“I would also suggest that if you have lots of children, it is probably time to pick your favourite two.”

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