Tuesday 28 April 2009

Well you must have done SOMETHING, Pope tells quake victims


Pope Benedict XVI has arrived in central Italy to visit survivors of the earthquake that struck on 6 April and killed 40 people.

Whilst touring the affected area and visiting with bereaved families the Pope was keen to discover exactly what the community had done to incur the wrath of God.

“Is it the harbouring of homosexuals, is that it?” he asked one currently homeless family.

“What about condoms, have you been using them?” he shouted into a tent occupied by a family of five.

Tectonic activity

There has been much scientific speculation as to the cause of the Italian earthquake, with Mediterranean seismicity generally seen in the context of the great collision between the African and Eurasian tectonic plates.

However, the Pope and his team of Vatican investigators are keen to uncover the real reason for the devastating earthquake.

“These things don’t just happen,” said a Vatican spokesperson.

“He sent the floods of 2007 to the UK as punishment for their wasteful hedonistic ways.”

“This is how He punishes us, with the power of seemingly random natural occurrences.”

“We’re still not sure exactly what it is he likes about the sun-drenched party island of Ibiza, but we will find out.”

“Father Padraig is into the fifth year of his in-depth investigation of the Ibizan culture, and we expect him to report back to us any year now.”

“Maybe He is just a big fan of drum and bass?”

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