Monday 20 April 2009

Ferguson rests absolutely everyone to play 4th team at Wembley


Sir Alex Ferguson yesterday took the unprecedented step of resting his first, second, and third teams for the FA Cup semi-final against Everton.

The match was eventually won 4-2 on penalties by Everton after 120 minutes of goalless, actionless, and incidentless monotony.

However, the game will best be remembered as the day Manchester United demonstrated the true depth of their title challenging squad.

“The first team have had a long season,” said Ferguson explaining his selection decision.

“And the second team have done a lot of sitting on benches.”

“The third team have done a fantastic job keeping the first and second team boots clean, so we thought we’d give them a day off too.”

“It’s not just the players.  The physio for the day was Dave, and he normally makes tea at the training ground.”

Absolute nobodies

The Manchester United match day squad – which included several names you needn’t bother remembering as they will never be heard of again – surprised many observers.

“They didn’t even include that young ginger kid I’ve seen a few times,” said season ticket holder Sean O’Connell, of Dagenham.

“And he normally gets to play in every single game that we don’t care about.”

Officials of the club have been quick to point out that all eleven players on the field at the start of play were definitely professional footballers.

“We have all the paperwork and everything,” said the Manchester United official.

Everton

When asked for a quote regarding the opposition’s team selection, a leading Everton fans representative said, “Fuck ’em.”

Winning captain Phil Neville was thoroughly delighted with the result.

“We have beaten the best team in the world today.”

“Not that actual team, obviously.  But people who sometimes get to train with that team when they are practising set pieces and stuff.”

Everton will now perform the role of “plucky underdog” for the showpiece final on May 30.

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