Tuesday 7 April 2009

Zoologists finally bored of saving ‘frankly useless’ Pandas


Panda bored

Zoologists today finally gave up trying to save the planet’s few remaining Giant Pandas, declaring the endeavour, “utterly pointless”.

The Giant Panda (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) is native to Central and Southwestern China and has for many years been the most visible of the planet’s endangered species.

There are approximately 1,500 left in the wild, with a further 266 living in captivity, though that number is expected to drop now conservationists are completely bored of them.

“There’s really no point in helping them really,” said zoologist Professor Dwayne Schultz of The American Institute for Things That Need Saving.

“The Panda is simply not a sustainable species.

“They’re black and white for a start, yet they live in a green jungle for God’s sake.

“And their diet consists of eating 30 pounds of the least nutritious plant in the entire jungle, every single day.”

The world’s zoos have spent millions on their efforts to grow the Panda population over the last 30 years, to little or no effect.

Schultz went on, “Pandas just aren’t interested in sex.  Even the really kinky stuff.

“Do you know how difficult it is to get a female panda into lingerie?

“I’d rather spend my time saving an animal that had even a passing interest in chasing tail.

“If we’re brutally honest we should have given up a long time ago, it’s just that they’re so damned cute.

“It’s like looking at a big fat albino who’s been repeatedly punched in the face.”

When told of the news, Chi Chi Jnr, the son of London Zoo’s most famous Panda, merely shrugged his shoulders and continued slowly munching bamboo.

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