Wednesday 11 March 2009

Unhappy pupil decides against school shooting rampage


An unhappy 15 year-old school-boy at an East London comprehensive has decided against a murderous rampage among his fellow students.

The boy, who wishes to remain anonymous, said he felt he was just as likely to feel better about everything by writing melancholic poetry in his diary.

“I’ve written it all down on a page stained by the tears that fell like water balloons from the top of my mates garage.” he said.

“Plus, I’m much less likely to get shot in the face by an armed response unit for using inappropriate similes.”

Pacifist pussy

His unusual pacifist stance is said to have come from his deep desire to be ‘different’, and him seeking to ensure that “no-one forgets” him.

“Sure, I could have done the same as everyone else and smuggled a semi-automatic weapon onto the grounds.”

“But I want to be an individual, I don’t want to be like everybody else.  I am no sheep.”

“No, I suppose I am a sheep, but a sheep with brightly coloured wool, a sheep that is really good with words – actually can you delete that whole last bit?”

Good news

Education professionals have been quick to praise his radical approach to dealing with his emotional turmoil.

“This is good new for all concerned,” said one senior school’s advisor.

“Our research shows that after a school shooting it can take several weeks for the incumbent bullies to return to their previous levels of intimidation.”

“So any approach that quickens a return to academic normality should be praised by all.”

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