February 2009

Oscar loser Jolie ‘not arsed’

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Oscar-nominee Angelina Jolie has confided to close friends that she is ‘not arsed’ about losing out to eventual Best Actress winner – Reading’s Kate Winslet. Jolie, 33, was considered a strong contender for the gong, but has reacted with complete ambivalence to the Academy’s snub of her role in The Changeling. “I didn’t even want [...]

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Geordie man buys coat

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A Newcastle man has caused uproar in the shopping centres of the north-east by purchasing a ‘coat’.

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Clinton tells N Korea to stop ‘being such a dick’

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New US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton has spoken out during a South Korean visit, telling the North Korean Government to ‘stop acting like such a dick all of the bloody time’.

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Anti-smoking lobby welcomes controversial US Church

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The UK’s anti-smoking campaign has welcomed the imminent arrival of the controversial Westboro Baptist Church from the United States. Fred Phelps and other representatives of the Westboro Baptist Church, famous for it’s “God hates Fags!” slogans, are due into the UK early next week to begin a series of protests. “I think it’s great” said [...]

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Artist impression ‘unflattering’

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A man currently on trial for plotting a terrorist attack has called his artist impression “unflattering”. The sketch of Ahmed Ali Khan, 24, was drawn whilst he sat with his fellow alleged conspirators in the dock at Woolwich Crown Court. The artist’s impression has been described by those in court as an accurate likeness. However, [...]

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Rookie pilot makes ‘text book’ landing

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A rookie pilot has landed safely after a routine approach at London’s Heathrow airport. First Officer, Freddie Didsbury, 29, had previously landed a plane just 48 times, all successfully. The scheduled flight was returning from Spain where it had picked up almost two hundred holiday makers, all of whom were completely unaware of his rookie [...]

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Child’s toy spells ‘WANKER’

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A Birmingham mother is furious at Toys’R’Us for selling her an “indecent” toy for her child. Sally James, 24, bought the set of spelling bricks for her four year-old son, Brooklyn. “I was hoping to help him recognise a few basic words for when he goes to school next year.” Miss James, a part-time supermarket [...]

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Murderers unhappy at ‘joke’

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Murderers at Belmarsh prison are said to be unhappy at the growing popularity of a joke told at fifteen-year anniversary parties. The joke, which likens being married to being incarcerated, implies that the husband would have served less time had he killed his wife instead of marrying her. It’s popularity has grown in recent times [...]

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Nuclear subs unable to swap insurance details

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An investigation into a recent collision between two nuclear submarines has shown that one party may have been uninsured. The collision, which took place in the mid-Atlantic, was between a British Navy submarine and it’s French equivalent. Although both subs were left structurally intact, there has been some concern over the insurance cover of both [...]

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Refuse engineer unhappy at level of cleaning required

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A 25 year-old London man has complained to his employers about the level of cleaning involved in his role. Mark Jones, a Refuse Engineer for building maintenance firm CityClean, said that the cleaning requests began almost immediately. “I was delighted to get the role, who doesn’t want to be an engineer?  I phone my mum [...]

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