Thumbnail image for Oscar Pistorius to finally find out what a burglar in your toilet actually sounds like

Oscar Pistorius to finally find out what a burglar in your toilet actually sounds like

Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced to five years in prison, and will finally have the opportunity to find out what it actually sounds like when a criminal is using your toilet.

Thumbnail image for A little bit of holocaust denial never hurt anyone, confirm UKIP

A little bit of holocaust denial never hurt anyone, confirm UKIP

Just because your party leader is a racist who denies the holocaust doesn’t mean you can’t help UKIP maintain its European funding, Nigel Farage confirmed today.

Wearing a black and white furry suit and adopting a diet consisting solely of bamboo is the average British child’s best hope of survival, a new report suggests.

News that Internet trolls could face two-year custodial sentences has led to warnings that the nation’s prisons could be full of Twitter morons by Christmas.

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Sport

Thumbnail image for Hodgson magic continues as England demolish plumbers and electricians

Hodgson magic continues as England demolish plumbers and electricians

England’s relentless march towards the Euro 2016 championships has gathered almost unstoppable momentum after a Wembley victory against some sheep farmers, electricians and a guy who mows lawns.

Politics

Thumbnail image for Paralysed man walks again, is declared fit for work by ATOS

Paralysed man walks again, is declared fit for work by ATOS

A formerly paralysed man has celebrated the success of a pioneering therapy that involved transplanting nasal cells into his spinal cord, with an ATOS mandated appointment at the jobcentre.

Entertainment

Thumbnail image for Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems

Prof Brian Cox to unravel mysteries of automated customer service systems

The unfathomable mysteries behind most automated customer service systems are at the heart of Professor Brian Cox’s new television project, it has been revealed today.

World

Thumbnail image for Oscar Pistorius to finally find out what a burglar in your toilet actually sounds like

Oscar Pistorius to finally find out what a burglar in your toilet actually sounds like

Oscar Pistorius has been sentenced to five years in prison, and will finally have the opportunity to find out what it actually sounds like when a criminal is using your toilet.

Technology

Thumbnail image for Prisons to be full of Twitter morons by Christmas

Prisons to be full of Twitter morons by Christmas

News that Internet trolls could face two-year custodial sentences has led to warnings that the nation’s prisons could be full of Twitter morons by Christmas.

Science

Thumbnail image for Ancient Scottish fish ‘invented felching’

Ancient Scottish fish ‘invented felching’

An international team of researchers says a fish called Microbrachius dicki is the first-known animal to indulge in the improbable sexual practice known as felching.

Education

Thumbnail image for Teachers being on strike is brilliant, insists 8 year-old sat in front of Xbox

Teachers being on strike is brilliant, insists 8 year-old sat in front of Xbox

Children across the country have welcomed the fight to improve pay and conditions for the nation’s teachers, insisting they are 100% behind further industrial action.

Business

Thumbnail image for Man using self-service till on verge of emotional breakdown

Man using self-service till on verge of emotional breakdown

A man using a self-service till for the first time appears on the verge of tears after being informed yet again of an ‘unexpected item in bagging area’.